Awoken from Reality.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

I couldn't take it anymore. My body was beginning to fall apart. I needed sleep so I started taking those pills.

And now I'm sleeping. But it's not the right kind of sleep.

I'm missing something. I know I didn't want to have nightmares, but now I just don't dream. And that just feels wrong. It feels as if I'm missing something, loosing something really important.

The basic thing is. Now I just feel vulnerable. The pills put me into a deep sleep where I don't dream or feels. I'm just cut of from reality or imagination. As if I'm in some limbo.

Or maybe that's my new nightmare, to be stuck somewhere between reality and imagination.

Or maybe, just maybe, everything is fake.

And I'm just not willing to accept what really is reality.

‘Cause the reality I may find when I do finally wake up from my reality isn’t safe or happy or acceptable. It’s just supernatural.

It’s also not something I can define. No, that’s wrong, I can define it, I can use all the words in the English language to give it the largest most complex definition possible, but that won’t be enough. Because as much I as can see it, I can’t comprehend and so my definition ultimately becomes meaningless.

So how do I begin to understand it?

Do I go searching for it? Or just open my eyes wider.

And what if my nightmares come back to hunt me.

Where do I go from there?

Missed me?

I know I keep harping on about it - but boy, all that homework and SAC's that are given out in the last year of secondary education (I'm not sure what the American equivalent is... and yes, I'm aware that there are readers from America - and no, I refuse to switch from my British/ Australian English to American English. Confused, yet?) is CRAZY! I mean, come on... we get around 4 hours of homework... nightly, and are expected to chuck several more hours on top to study for the exams that are coming up (yeah... our exam and holiday periods are weird). Anyway, that would explain why I haven't showed up on this blog for a while. 'Procrastinating' right now seems like the worse idea possible. But hey, I'm a 17 year old teenager... it's expected that I procrastinate.

Melbourne's weather... it's becoming even more sullen... like some angsty teenager who can't decide between mood-swings. Last week has been nothing fierece winds, and falling rain (well sorry if I can't make it anymore poetic... you get the Literature kids for that). And the nights are bloody freezing. The best part? We haven't hit winter yet, so it can only get worse.

Anyhow, Adam's problems seem to be worsening - and that's a bad thing with the exams coming up. He seemed even more jumpy at school, and his temper is quickly deteriorating. I'm no psychologist, but even I can see something is wrong. His recent blogs have constantly mentioned nightmares - they must be severe ones if they can disable anybody like that. I've had my share of nightmares, but even so... this can't be good. However, recently he has started taking sleeping pills - with his mind-set though... is this such a good thing? Whatever, I can only comment as a friend, and unfortunately, not as a professional. Hope those nightmares will stop soon (brrr... I'm still getting shivers from your post and my recent nightmare) and that you will fully recover.

P.S. I really don't think drinking alcohol will stop the nightmares. No seriously. Put down that beer bottole. Now.

vitae necisque

O

Or was it an

X

Maybe it was both.

If we lost...

If we lost hope. Or our ability to feel. Our soul and our minds. If we couldn't see, as the fog incompassed us, the darkness that fallowed us, the eyes that constanly watched us. No, the eyeless faces that constantly watched us. If we never recongnised them. Or couldn't tell the normal from the abnormal. How could we perceive the threat all around us, or the darkness that was in ourselves. How quick;ly we are to betray ourselves to them. Without a second thought, for safety for peace, everything we believe or feel. Gone because we are afraid. To quick are we to abadone all hope, reason or logic. To quick are we to betray our love , or goodness our hope. Because of fear of them. As they come. No, the faceless, they've always been here.

Oh god, they're all around me.

What the hell are they?

Pills

So that bitch of mine -the shrink- gave me a bunch of sleeping pills a few weeks ago and since then I've refused to use them.

I don't like the idea of using pills or anything to get to sleep. But I can't go on like this, my head is pounding, my eyes hurt so much and I can't concentrate on anything.

So I'm just generally asking anyone who is reading this. Should I take these pills?

Sleep

I need it. So much. But I can't.

Everytime I close my eyes I get these images or nightmares of them. Looking at me through those sunglasses.

I see them reach for me, try to grab me and I run.

That's all I do now. Just run away, from sleep, from them, from these nightmare's.

Or are they memories?

I can't really tell any more.

Infectious...

I remembered waking up with sweat completely covering me. I was breathing heavily, as I had tried to run away from... What was it? Some deep primal fear of all living? Or was it the slightest shadows of madness that was crawling at my mind, as the stress of school built up? I remembered laughing at this absurd notion - school doesn't give you nightmares that had you salvaging what remained of your sanity.

"Leave us alone!" Did I shout that? Or was it the thing in front of me?

I had looked at the alarm clock. I swore quietly. It was only 6:00, another 50 minutes before the it should have rang. It was far too early for this. I didn't need a scare before starting school (as if school was already daunting enough). I sank back into my pillow, as me breath began to slow down again. Closing my eyes, I tried to recall some of the horrors that had plagued me. Like any sane human, I tried to start at the beginning...

That smile again. And that glow.

My eyes snapped open again. It was that girl. I frowned - it was a strange coincidence that she would have been in my dreams. Dreams, for me, rarely repeat themselves again.

That swaying tree next to a stone building. Nearby was another building, only it was cleaner... more modern. Other people in a dull green uniform milled about, talking and constantly moving.

I snorted here. I was dreaming of school. Give me a break... I've already seen enough of it for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. And sometimes longer now that I'm in Year 12. So... that dream girl had came to the same school as me. What possible interpretations can I possibly gleam from that? It sure would be literally a dream come true... if it was true.

We were walking quietly along a familiar pathway. Faces that were seen everyday were content in their usual business. The girl and I were talking...

...about what? I stared at the darkened ceiling, hoping to glean something from it. What had made us both laugh so happily? So freely...

We rounded to corner to the PAC - the performing arts centre. It was a large building - formerly a gym as my wood teacher had told me once upon a time. Now, it was the hangout of the drama kids. I rolled my eyes at some of their antics as we passed by. Surely throwing random stuff at each other for the thousandth time should have gotten hold. And yet...

Nice dodge, I thought smirking, as a classmate called Raf managed to avoid a sandwich that was thrown from near point-blank range. This thought-by-thought process was taking longer than I anticipated. Everything was familiar. Nothing to suggest why I woke up with such a scare.

The path back to the canteen was once again the same. The same kids. The same chairs. Even the same sense of sheer boredom that was somehow ignored as I was pulled in by the mystery of the girl next to me. More talking. I looked casually to the right and saw the wood room glaring back.

Surely the wood room can't be the source of my nightmares. A madman running out with a chainsaw would be almost comical, if not outright normal (ok, I'm lying - I would be shitting myself, but my friends have already made up too much conspiracies about the wood room for anything to truly surprise me in Dream world). Ah Year 7, good times...

We were at the canteen now. And yet we kept moving. We turned right, passing the toilets and its eternal stench. We were moving back to the common room - where everybody else awaited. Something ancient stirred inside me... and indescribable fear began to strangle me.

The common room... what was so scary about it? Surely there can't be anything worse than the stains inside the microwave (I've seriously got to stop this joking). That's it... it had been too quiet. Especially given how ridiculously loud we Year 12's are.

My hand hesitated on the door handle.
"Is something wrong?" the girl asked. Not wanting to disappoint her, I shook my head and put on an assuring smile before opening the door to the realms of nightmare.
We both froze in terror as everything in the room turned to us as we walked in. Everybody was now nightmare incarnate. Bloodied eyes that were nothing more than gaping red holes in their face. Mouths that were unnaturally big, each threatening to consume anything and everything, eternally held in a terrible grin. Claws had replaced hands... claws that threatened to tear a person's soul out, souls that were soon ripe for consummation.
A person rose out of their chair. In their hands were a sharpened cleaver that still held the blood of its last victim.
"Join us..." the creature breathed.

The rate of my breathing increased again. I felt blood rushing to my legs, carrying vital supplies of oxygen that would allow me to get the fuck out of my mind.
"It's all fake," I repeated in a mantra to myself. "It's all fake."
I got up and turned on the light. Looking into the mirror, I saw a pale faced person staring back. In his eyes, the dream continued...

"Leave us alone!" I shouted. Everybody in the room mimicked me, creating an eerie chorus that grated on my ears. Grabbing the girl's arm, we turned around... only to see there was no door. Then an explosion of pain came.
I fell to the floor, paralyzed. A syringe dropped next to me. A paralyzer... got to give these creatures credit for that, if I wasn't absolutely hoping this would all go away. The creatures rolled me over, as the lead creature stoked its cleaver, its grin never wavering. It moved the sharp side of the blade closer... and closer... to my eyes. I struggled to no avail. Then... the blade descended.

Colours. Never thought I would appreciate them so much. The nightmare had ended. For now.